Snowboarder conquors Alaska

The headline reads that a snowboarder conquored Alaska.  I'd love to know how he/she did that.  I know snowboarders are considered,  by some, to be outrageous rebels bent on sliding down the side of mountains, across streets and over handrails on stairs, but to take on an entire state - and conquor it?  Wow.  So the question is, how did he/she do this?  Did he/she (and I really should read more than the headline to find out which gender this person is shouldn't I?) teach moose to snowboard, thus turning them into tanks on stilts?  Did he/she teach mountain goats how to snowboard down the mountains to deliver well placed head buts to politicians who probably deserved one in the - well we won't go there?  What about the bears?  I can definitely see a grizzly doing a double twisted half-pike down the main street of Fairbanks, wowing the citizens with its prowess and daring, and in the meantime delivering a shattering cuff up the side of the nearest military jeep, setting it on its side, can't you?  What about the brown bear.  Did it get into the whole snowboarding event and go for broke, or was it a little more conservative in its approach to snowboarding and use a much less daring approach to doing a whole gainer off the nearest handrail, thus losing the snowboard and sending it flying like a well placed mortar round?  Not to be left out, I'm sure the seals (and I'm not talking human Navy, though maybe they could learn a lesson or two from all of this) all had a hand in it.  Stealth and their natural ability to slide would definitely be an advantage in taming wild Alaskan humans into surrendering the land to them.  Does this now mean that Alaska will have a new name and what would it be?  Maybe snowboardination, how about skaboard, or even alasnow or alaboardation?  I'm sure you can come up with even better names.  Maybe the snowboarder who conquored this state should hold a contest to rename Alaska in honour of conquoring it, kind of like renaming a very large mountain when it was first climbed.  Which brings us to flags.  What will the state flag look like now and who will design it?  Will it be done in consultation with all those creatures that had a hand - so to speak - in the conquoring?  Will anyone even care and what will the snowboarder in question set out to conquor next?  If it's the Canadian prairies, I'm afraid he/she will have a tough go of it.  We may have a few hills, but certainly nothing to snowboard across, and if there isn't enough snow to cover the stubble, his/her snowboard won't be going very far (I know, I've tried cross-country skiing on such fields and it really doesn't work well).  Just a little something for us to all think about.  Until next time.